i am allowed to be uninterested
i would love to have more friends, more people to tinker ideas with, but so far, it's been a slow process. several months ago, this lady i know reached out. she seemed eager to make friends as well and i thought, sure, let's give it a shot! there was some initial resistance:
- i would have to travel 1 hour 20 minutes by bus closer to where she lives (she could travel to me, as well, but the timing was not working for me, so i compromised)
- i didn't like the vibe of how she looked, like do you know how sometimes by looking at someone you can sort of tell if they have similar interests to you or not? yeah, she did not look like she cared about tech, for example. this is not about beauty/attraction!
but she was friendly and seemed to be independent, which i value in people. we met up, and hung out for an hour, where she was talking about her boss mostly. i default to listening and asking questions - i guess this my psych background kicking in. anyway, she had thanked me for the convo, did not ask me a single question, and so that was it for me. she reached out after, i was polite back, but had said i was too busy to meet up again.
what i would have done before (probably): thought about how it even happened that i ended up feeling like a psych instead of a friend. do i do it with people? is this self-sabotage? i would love to have more friends, right? why am i doing this? should i bring up that i would appreciate more interest on her side? well, she did initiate the meeting, so she was interested, wasn't she?
what i am doing now: thinking, eh. that didn't work out, oh well. will trust my gut when it comes to people more.
i am allowed to be uninterested and not chase after every opportunity of human connection presented. i am allowed to dislike people for whatever reason. i do not think it's cool to be mean to them to their face, but i am allowed to feel whatever. it's kind of weird that i am only now realizing this. i wonder if it is just a modus operandi for other people, or if they are others who are struggling with this as well? wonder if it more present in psychs, as well?