shame while struggling
hey, a really vulnerable post incoming.
i haven't had the best few days and it is difficult to pinpoint what is going on. that's annoying - i like when the feelings are understood, put into neat little boxes with a neat little solution for each thing. i feel like i am too talkative, too emotional over things i should have no trouble dealing with, too sensitive and too needy.
the worst thing about it all is shame. usually, when i struggle, it is very clear what is happening.
i'll give you an example: i was in the community where people were intolerant of me because of a trait i cannot change - let's say it was akin to racism. i was crying after each time it happened, felt isolated and sort of like a unwanted cancer cell instead of a human (dramatic, i know, that's how it felt, though). so what did i do? i went though when i had encountered feeling isolated before in my life (school bullying came to mind very quickly), i lived through it, recognized that i cannot change how people treat me and that it is not a reflection of me. let myself feel anger, i became more standoffish with people and stopped chasing their approval and changed the circumstance as soon as i could. clearly racism is stupid, but also i was clearly affected. and clearly feeling disliked just because of how i am is a sore point for me.
however, this time there no clear reason as to why it's been so up and down. i am fine feeling weak, if that weakness is clearly defined and deal-with-able. if i am feeling sad and shaky and strung out with no clear trigger or solution, that's scary.
that's it, that's today's post. i am trying to let myself just go through it and not affect others too much. a good way of doing that is not really talking to others, sadly - since if i do talk, i think it's just going to be whining, or crying, or something else more appropriate for therapy than a casual chat with a friend. blah
currently playing: Rudimental & 1991 - Chop Dem Down feat RoRo